1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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