At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
