just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
this beer tastes like vomit already
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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