So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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