sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
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I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
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Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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