the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
