New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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