fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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