i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
