I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
is wine microwaveable?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
