you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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