i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
