my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
