True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
