i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
