I was born with a shot glass in my hand
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
