Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
