Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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