living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
