you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
