i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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