Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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