he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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