I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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