: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
