So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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