guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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