I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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