I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
True strength comes from lack of pants
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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