...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
