the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
