she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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