Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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