mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
