I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
