i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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