does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
