I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
