Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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