i'm signing you up for texting rehab
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
