happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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