the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
