If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
