just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
