I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
and she was petting her beer can
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
