I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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