Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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