I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
