I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
