wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
