new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
