youre lurking in front of me
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
