there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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