Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's blow job season.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
