you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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