Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
