Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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