I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
