Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
