I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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