Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
