New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
50% drunk capacity currently
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
